I miss...

Bismilah

It has been a long time since I sat to write. Since I sat to express and detail my pangs and emotions; my reality and dreams. I am 25, pregnant again and with a beautiful baby girl by my side, alhamdulilah.

Words cannot express how thankful I am for her and for the bundle tucked away, growing, feeling and preparing for this world.

In all of this, I miss him. It hurts to miss him, so I just say I hurt. I tell him, "I'm hurt." He says he'll be here. Like he can read my mind, like that's the reason for my outbursts, tears and not wanting to hear his voice. I am afraid to hurt any more than this, to enter a place of utter pain and not return to feeling anything else. The pain engulfs me so. It holds me so.

The worst part of all, this needing him and pain, makes me turn away from Him(SWT). I am afraid to ask, because I feel I need to be thankful and I fear I will be tested with more. I know HE knows more than anyone and anything that I can't breath sometimes because of the pain. I can't think because of the loneliness. Funny how this man has become my everything in a time so short.

But I have learned to stop feeling it. To walk empty and untouched. To speak loosely and superficially. To smile and not cry. To laugh and not break down. I have learned to make this pain part of my life, sadly enough, it's the only way I know how to live now.

When he comes
If he comes

How will things change?

I am afraid to ask. Afraid to think.

So it's better to not feel at all.