I miss...

Bismilah

It has been a long time since I sat to write. Since I sat to express and detail my pangs and emotions; my reality and dreams. I am 25, pregnant again and with a beautiful baby girl by my side, alhamdulilah.

Words cannot express how thankful I am for her and for the bundle tucked away, growing, feeling and preparing for this world.

In all of this, I miss him. It hurts to miss him, so I just say I hurt. I tell him, "I'm hurt." He says he'll be here. Like he can read my mind, like that's the reason for my outbursts, tears and not wanting to hear his voice. I am afraid to hurt any more than this, to enter a place of utter pain and not return to feeling anything else. The pain engulfs me so. It holds me so.

The worst part of all, this needing him and pain, makes me turn away from Him(SWT). I am afraid to ask, because I feel I need to be thankful and I fear I will be tested with more. I know HE knows more than anyone and anything that I can't breath sometimes because of the pain. I can't think because of the loneliness. Funny how this man has become my everything in a time so short.

But I have learned to stop feeling it. To walk empty and untouched. To speak loosely and superficially. To smile and not cry. To laugh and not break down. I have learned to make this pain part of my life, sadly enough, it's the only way I know how to live now.

When he comes
If he comes

How will things change?

I am afraid to ask. Afraid to think.

So it's better to not feel at all.

My Everything

Everything
I hold so dearly
Love so intensely
Adore with my eyes
Enter into my heart
Cr addle in my arms

Everything, I
Sing
Hear
Smile
Enjoy

Everything
That makes
Breathing so much easier
Laughing enjoyable
Fun entertaining
Rainy days, comfortable
Bad hair days, livable

Everything
That defines
Content in my eyes
Peace in dreams
Beautiful moments
Intelligent conversations

I find them
I hug them with my love
I kiss them with my heart
I smile at them with my words
I tear with my longing
I enjoy with every breath

But then
I lose them
so fast
It hurts
It becomes hard to hold
moments bold
heart gone cold

It is hard not to believe
I am to blame
I was too lame
It was all a game
they are all the same

It is hard to look past
it all

Sometimes
I still hear my heart
Calling them
My mind
Shutting them away

Oh mind,
how you try to protect the heart
But at a loss of words and rational
I choose to love and not forget
As they leave and not forgive
And so mind, you try to give
A reason that will have me stand
Firm, able to feel
Able to touch hearts, minds and hands

But I still hear my heart
Calling their name
Then it hurts all over again
The memories all rush in
And i stay
Flooded, by my own thoughts
Betrayed by my own mind
Which stands aside
As I ride
The memories of life
of love, living and strife

Because everything
Is nothing
without something
And tomorrow, another something will come
To join everything I ever knew
Everything I thought I met
And everything will be vast
But with that
I can live
At last

As i wait for more
somethings
To become
my everything
This way
I can't lose everything

Hurt Again

In the mid of the night
With no one in sight
I said it
My lips quivering
Heart trembling
Tongue moving
I said
What my heart desired
Or so I thought
And so i fired
Words that only encompassed a moments pain
Hoping it would seize and happiness would reign
And so I spat
Dictation for the ideal
And as surreal as the supplication ran
I said the words and developed a plan
And then He(SWT) Planned
I stood alone again
In pain again
It hurt again
It wasn’t ideal again

I know this as a cycle
Of hurt and call upon Him
But sometimes it get’s so dim
Darkness hovering over my dreams
With every success comes another test it seems
Testing our belief in the unseen
So enjoy every moment and keep it clean
Because dirt hurts, you and your deen

So, I stand alone again
In the middle of the cycle again
My iman tested.............and I feel I need to recharge again
Read, learn, feel again
Those were once so easy
Every breath of iman breezy
Now it’s harder to breath it in
Harder to feel it in
But for some odd reason
My eyes still tear
Almost in fear
It would not reach my heart
Torn apart
Trying to remind it to feel
Make a deal
To read the words of the Most High
And as tears roll from my eyes
Dear heart, try to cry
Yearn for iman
Don’t live dry
Because in the end, after all these tests, you will die
The only thing that will save you, is that tear you cried
Yearning for iman
Because every time you fell
You tried
Every time you felt like running
You didn’t hide
And so He(SWT) will plan
As supplication ran
Into every occasion
and
You cried.
From inside.
And out.

My Dearest Siblings

My dearest siblings
I’m getting married
And it scares me
Now childhood days must be buried

My dearest Areej, my older sister and incredibly wise
Wallahi I write this as tears roll from my eyes
I can never forget your advices from school, dealing with parents, Islam and even guys
You were always real, never had a disguise
When I come to your room in tears, you would tell me to raise my hands to the skies
I was blessed with many things in this dunya
And you amongst them, was of the biggest prize

Memories together I can never forget
Remember the Back Street Boys and that awful threat
Remember the rice falling in Sudan, when really the ground was just wet
Me and you, its memories galore
The only thing I regret, is not having more
Forgive me if I ever wronged you
Forgive me for the things I did and things I couldn’t do
Forgive me
Because by Allah, I forgive you

My dearest Mohamed, our oldest brother
Back in the days, we used to play Nintendo’s with one another
In grade three we were in the same class, do you remember?
You were so hyper, even at home
From January to December
As a child, you as MY brother made me feel cool
When people tried to mess with me,
I would say, “Do you know who my brother is you fool?”

I think it’s too bad we didn’t live with each other more
You’re fun to be around and always have us laughing on the floor
It might be too late now to live together anymore
But, by Allah, my heart is open for you, as much as my door
Please, don’t be a stranger, stop pressing ignore
You have a family that loves you
And please, forgive me for anything I did to hurt you
Forgive me for not being your sister, cool and true
And for everything you did and didn’t do
I truly forgive you

My dearest Nafesa, our youngest sister, so sweet
As a child, you made me jealous, so when it was raining hard one day
I held you up in the air and stood on the street
At first you were so quiet and shared nothing with me
Then we started BABU and you opened up beautifully
I remember your problem looking into eyes when you speak
But now you handled that technique
Your hugs still needs some working though
Your dancing simply needs to go
Your relationship with Mustafa, I pray it always grows

Our memories together, has been quite the ride
I love having you as my younger sister
We shared everything, had nothing to hide
We did so much together; canoeing, learning the Deen and weird things on the side
Remember, you have more work with mother inside
And please, forgive me for hurting you
For anything I did and didn’t do
For not being there when I should have and not staying true
And by Allah (SWT), for everything, I forgive you

My dearest Mustafa, my younger brother with talent galore
When you were young I was in your face like never before
I remember crying to you in grade three, to be the best person you can be
Until grade eight, we sat and spoke until late
From writing poetry together, to sitting outside
Mustafa, you grew to be this amazing man and I feel comfortable in whatever you decide
Never forget that in me you can always confide
Psst I think I was the closest to you
I love who you have become and what you do

Memories together has been quite the fun
From car racing, hanging with Ali, going to weddings and just chilling under the sun
From trying to play ball or have a race on the street
Don’t forget, in the race, you once got beat
From singing, writing poetry and listening to my annoying voice
Never forget, be a believer or not, you always have that choice
And please, forgive me for anything I did to wrong or hurt you
From the things I did to things I couldn’t do
And by Allah, for everything, I forgive you

My dearest Yassir, my youngest brother, so smart
Age 6, you can’t read but you definitely can fart
Every time you laugh really hard, we sniff and know who dealt the part
I think you are a very cool brother and have such a sweet heart
We had some fun times with Adam and learned a lot
From learning to ride bikes and learning surahs
And from the many things you bought
From writing me the letter to not hit you because it hurt
To showing me your love of skateboards, even on your shirt
I love you Yassir, and please forgive me
And know, by the will of Allah, I’m always here for you

My dearest siblings
Areej, Mohamed, Nafesa, Mustafa and Yassir
I love you all for the sake of the Most High
I see my parents relationship with their siblings now
And I want ours to be better as years go by
For every celebration, you better be the first to call
For every news, we better be the first to tell each other, no matter how big or small
We went our separate ways I know
But just because we had to grow
Does not mean our relationship has to go

My dearest siblings
I’m getting married
Make duaa for me
And please, let’s not forget each other
From our sister in Saudi
To the one in Hamilton, our beloved brother

Let’s make duaa for one another
So that Allah may gather us in jannah together
With our beloved father and mother
Let’s not forget each other

Many Hearts

Looked into many hearts
Too many starts
Too many torn parts

Heart aches at requests
Is it what I possess?
Or do they just obsess?
Why so easy for them to express?
Can’t feel emotions, I don’t possess

But then they detail
Emotions, Men appearing so frail
My heart locked in a veil
Trying to feel it back, but to no avail
If love was a class, I would fail
They say love will prevail
With me, it’s growing stale
On sale

Cheap and almost fake
As if it was a mistake
Even when I tried to partake
Do it for His sake
Then when I wake
I realize I can’t take
What I did not make
Through my personal feelings and thoughts
Eventually it will break
I give back hearts and watch them shake
Breaking into pieces, a heart quake

But you seem so real
Is this how it’s supposed to feel?
The emotion many spoke of with so much appeal
To me, seeming so unreal
So surreal
But you’re real
Ideal
I was hoping these emotions I could conceal
Put it in a container and a closed seal
Whenever hurting moments come, use it to heal

You confess emotions and they’re so sincere
Where those emotions once drove fear
Yours to my heart were dear
And so hear
If you’re not here
That’s the reason I tear
That’s the real fear

Looked into many hearts
Too many starts
Too many torn parts

I fear

Speechless

Speechless
Dressed in words
Moving in sentences
Smiling with punctuations
Emotions defining my grammar
Using words like a hammer
To punch in glamour
Oxymoron

Dictations
To make the ramification of action through conjugation
For the indication of a situation, made under implication of
Lingo
Words
Speech
That comes to define me

As I dress myself in words
Move in sentences
Smile with punctuations
Emotions defining my sense of grammar
As I try to hammer
Through pain, hurt and ignorance
Glamour

They think they know me
They question my actions
Before they ask me my intentions
They laugh before I joke
They answer before I ask
They stand before I rise
They run before I get up
They sit before I rest

And through their rumors making me feel like an ox
As I try to fix things and later end up the moron
Patients with anger
Hating with love
Smiling with tears
Screaming in whispers
I feel like an oxymoron

As I try to do things for Allah and no other
I have rumors surrounding me
From my own sister, to my own brother
Sometimes I think I should not bother

Give up?
They tell me I am not perfect
As if somehow my own reflection is trying to fool me
And so through their words, assumptions, lies, rumours, they want to school me
Do they think I look at myself in perfection and thus it would sooth me?
Do they think I don’t question my action and thus it wouldn’t worry me?

Give up?
They are in awe that someone with problems wants to aid others
Even though not liked by some sisters
And definitely by most brothers
They are in awe that someone so far from perfection can even have such an ideal image as her goal
And so dignity they stole, respect they implore and authority they abhor

Give up?
They watch me hard, waiting for me to slip up
And if I don’t, through rumors got me trippin’ up

So, do I give up?
Thoughts circle my mind
Sometimes in shame, sadness and anger
Other times in disappointment, fatigue and hurt
Sometimes my own thought is a stranger
Lurking inside me, before I can grab hold and rationalize
So I stare into eyes, full of lies and disguise truth and watch the demise
Of intentions built with tawakul and love for a Lord So Great
As we work to have youth love the mu2minuns fate

Give up?
I try to step into lives of women so beautiful
Working to be perfect worshipers, they were so dutiful
With patience, love and tawakul they were so wonderful
As they triumphed through rumors, castigation, threats and pain, they were so faithful
From Mariam Um Isa, to Asiya wife of Phur’on, to Aisha bint Abubaker
Give up?
They didn’t, so why should I?
I know rumours, wrong choice of words
Make me cry

But give up?
Why should I?
Serve the deen of the Most High
Until I die
I might not be perfect
Might not have the intellect

As I dress myself in words
Move in sentences
Smile with punctuations
Emotions defining my sense of grammar
As I try to hammer
Glamour
Lies, deceit, reminiscing defeat
Rumors, unfound hate
Criticize before one can appreciate

As I dress myself in words and ask for guidance from the Most High
Move in sentences and make duaa as tears form in my eyes
Smile in punctuations and pray the shahada leaves my lips before I die
Emotions defining my sense of grammar and imagine relief come by
In the form of Jannah and the pleasure of the Most Merciful
As I pray to be, beautiful, wonderful, dutiful and faithful
And never give up
InshaAllah

Imaginary Love

Even if you’re not real
Not meant to be the deal, where you reveal the private seal of loving...me
Just the fact that I have something to look forward to
Is that hope I will love through and through

Even if the thoughts of you are a joke
I will hold on to moments, where unspoken words in my head were spoken
Where my love rode high on oceans and was the most expensive token
And as I hold your hand and looked deeply at you
That is enough for me to love through and through

Even if the ideas of you are fake
I will caress the days where I can take you heart with mine and glide them gently on a lake
Watch ripples of love form for Allah(SWT)’s sake and as I partake on this lake of a mistake i have yet to make.
My heart feels so awake, with you
That is enough for me to love, through and through

Even if you are not meant to be mine
I will reminisce every second in my mind, where I thought I did find... true love that entangled in a sweet vine, where the sigh of my breath spelled out love’s sign
Where in walking, peaceful clouds I did combine.. .holding your heart next to mine... as i tried to hold on to time... like this rhyme
And my heart did smile at you
That is enough for me to love, through and through

Even if you are a figment of my imagination
Where adoration met with admiration, fought follicles of isolation and ran towards temptation
Where emotions were my heart’s decoration and I stood alone in desperation, hoping all along i was running to my destination
But I stood in realization, oblivious to the situation, because love was never the situation, nor was it a creation or formation... it was just an inspiration and a fantasy made by my determination.. love alone became an infatuation and required further interpretation, investigation
Here I write an invitation, for a heart ready to love more than just an imagination.. ready for love to be my inspiration, ready for love to be my life’s celebration
Ready to feel every cell in my body, breath breaths of love’s relaxation
With you
With you
So that I can love
Through and through